On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
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