I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
I have so many feelings about this burrito
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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