While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
