My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
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