Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
Randomize
