I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
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