im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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