My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
