I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
