So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
