remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
Mel Gibson is dating a 24 year old
You're not Mel Gibson and I'm not 24.
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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