She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
My penis needs a shock collar
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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