Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Randomize
