You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
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Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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