Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
The police scanner is talking about you again....
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
Randomize
