I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
I could have mohawked her pubes.
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Randomize
