I can tuck mytits in my pants
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
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