How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
Vodka?
Forever.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Randomize
