90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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