what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
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