I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
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