wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
Hippo gnu deer
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
Why are your pants in the freezer?
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