I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
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