i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
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