so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
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