Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
Randomize
