I think i sorta joined a cult last night
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
Randomize