she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
Nutrition teacher wants anything i eat or drink documented for the week including dancefestopia. Do you know the recommended daily ammount of psylicybin or MDMA?
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
