I CAN MOONWALK!
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
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