checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦â€
Randomize
