The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
