Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
Randomize
