He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
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