Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
Maybe he injected his testicle?
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
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