i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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