Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
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