I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
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