I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Randomize