I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
Do brothers usually kiss their sisters?
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
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