Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Randomize
