I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Randomize
