Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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