I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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