shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
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