are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Randomize
