You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
