Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
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