We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
I had to remind him that there is no "age exchange rate" between the u.s. and spain, and that 16 will always equal 16
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
