she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
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This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
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The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
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