One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
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