I haven't been this sober since birth.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
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Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
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Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
I can't decide which is the most disgusting: emily having sex on the stairwell of a frat, michelle shaving her vagina with a razor she found in a frat bathroom, or me getting fingered on the dance floor by some rando. opinions?
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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