I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
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