Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
I look excited, but its just a facade.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
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