Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
Everyone says I win the strip club
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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