Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
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